Smart, Successful & Abused

July 15, 2019
A scientist combines research and personal experience to advise women in abusive relationships. In this self-help book, Mailis (co-author: Beyond Pain, 2003) opens with an account of her physician colleague's murder of his wife, also a doctor. The guide then moves to the author's recollections of her verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. She details the many years of difficulty and denial she faced before leaving her husband, eventually broadening the narrative to incorporate stories from many of her acquaintances who have experienced turbulent relationships. The women's tales look at the abuse, the decisions to abandon partners--or, in some cases, to stay with them--and the recovery process. Their testimony provides a wide range of experiences with common threads throughout. The author concludes that low self-esteem is the main reason women endure abuse ("It was never the professional part of us that felt deficient. It was our feminine selves who felt small, weak, timid, insecure, and unwomanly, allowing our abusers to control us"), although codependency, naiveté, and excessive empathy also appear to be factors. The final chapter is based on responses to a survey Mailis distributed to younger women in her network to measure their attitudes toward domestic violence. (The survey text is included in an appendix, though the author acknowledges that her sample is interesting but not statistically rigorous.) She is surprised to find that the shift she anticipated is not revealed in the survey results, which indicate that the younger women are not less likely to endure abuse and do not flee troubled relationships more quickly than those of Mailis' generation. Half her respondents shared their own stories of abuse, suggesting that it continues to be widespread. The manual concludes with an analysis of the factors that may drive the prevalence of abuse in younger generations. The book, published in Canada, profiles Canadian women and gathers statistics primarily from that population. The women who provide the anecdotes include immigrants like the author and native-born Canadians, although they tend to be from similar socio-economic backgrounds. Drawing on the work of psychologist Joan Lachkar, Mailis focuses on "high-functioning women" who are "well-educated, successful, and career oriented." Although the author incorporates published research (references are included in the volume's backmatter), the narrative chiefly concentrates on the abused women's anecdotes. The text is competently written and highly readable, with little psychological jargon or technical language. But some parts would benefit from further review. Chapter 5 examines how the women's actions contributed to failed relationships in language ("maladaptive behaviors and denial") that seems to hold them responsible for allowing abuse to occur. And the negative comments about overweight people are off-putting. While Mailis' analysis of factors leading to abuse in younger women's relationships is generally solid, there is a touch of pearl-clutching in describing the "scanty outfits with camera angles hyping their sexuality" of Madonna, Britney Spears, and Beyoncé. Still, most of the guide is filled with useful information for women seeking to determine if they are experiencing abuse, attempting to leave violent relationships, and trying to understand the characteristics of healthy partnerships. A valuable blend of research and anecdotes that explores why successful women experience abuse.

COPYRIGHT(2019) Kirkus Reviews, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

July 15, 2019
A scientist combines research and personal experience to advise women in abusive relationships. In this self-help book, Mailis (co-author: Beyond Pain, 2003) opens with an account of her physician colleague's murder of his wife, also a doctor. The guide then moves to the author's recollections of her verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. She details the many years of difficulty and denial she faced before leaving her husband, eventually broadening the narrative to incorporate stories from many of her acquaintances who have experienced turbulent relationships. The women's tales look at the abuse, the decisions to abandon partners--or, in some cases, to stay with them--and the recovery process. Their testimony provides a wide range of experiences with common threads throughout. The author concludes that low self-esteem is the main reason women endure abuse ("It was never the professional part of us that felt deficient. It was our feminine selves who felt small, weak, timid, insecure, and unwomanly, allowing our abusers to control us"), although codependency, naivet�, and excessive empathy also appear to be factors. The final chapter is based on responses to a survey Mailis distributed to younger women in her network to measure their attitudes toward domestic violence. (The survey text is included in an appendix, though the author acknowledges that her sample is interesting but not statistically rigorous.) She is surprised to find that the shift she anticipated is not revealed in the survey results, which indicate that the younger women are not less likely to endure abuse and do not flee troubled relationships more quickly than those of Mailis' generation. Half her respondents shared their own stories of abuse, suggesting that it continues to be widespread. The manual concludes with an analysis of the factors that may drive the prevalence of abuse in younger generations. The book, published in Canada, profiles Canadian women and gathers statistics primarily from that population. The women who provide the anecdotes include immigrants like the author and native-born Canadians, although they tend to be from similar socio-economic backgrounds. Drawing on the work of psychologist Joan Lachkar, Mailis focuses on "high-functioning women" who are "well-educated, successful, and career oriented." Although the author incorporates published research (references are included in the volume's backmatter), the narrative chiefly concentrates on the abused women's anecdotes. The text is competently written and highly readable, with little psychological jargon or technical language. But some parts would benefit from further review. Chapter 5 examines how the women's actions contributed to failed relationships in language ("maladaptive behaviors and denial") that seems to hold them responsible for allowing abuse to occur. And the negative comments about overweight people are off-putting. While Mailis' analysis of factors leading to abuse in younger women's relationships is generally solid, there is a touch of pearl-clutching in describing the "scanty outfits with camera angles hyping their sexuality" of Madonna, Britney Spears, and Beyonc�. Still, most of the guide is filled with useful information for women seeking to determine if they are experiencing abuse, attempting to leave violent relationships, and trying to understand the characteristics of healthy partnerships. A valuable blend of research and anecdotes that explores why successful women experience abuse.

COPYRIGHT(2019) Kirkus Reviews, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.